I’m not married, Can I still adopt?
Martial status is not necessarily a barrier to adopting, although many agencies, attorneys, and/or international countries still consider a married couple as the ideal adopters. There are many wonderful people that want to become parents, and there are many children that would thrive in a home with a single parent, especially when compared to their current situation or alternative placement.
Many reasons exist for unmarried men and women to choose adoption. These include:
v They have never married and have no intention of getting married. I once asked a single female applicant if she planned to ever marry. She said, “well, the perfect man hasn’t knocked on my door yet and I’m not out looking out for him, either”.
v They might like to get married at some point, but are not currently in a relationship.
v They may be gay or lesbian and know that legal marriage isn’t an option.
v They want to be a parent more than they want to be married.
Many people like to make arguments against single parent adoption. Single adopters need to know what the arguments are and have an answer readily available.
Argument: A child needs to have two parents so that one can fill in for the other in case of illness or out of town trips for work.
Answer: Yes, raising children can require juggling of schedules at times. Single adopters will need to have a support system in place to assist when needed.
Argument: A child will be orphaned if the single parent dies.
Answer: Most social workers will address this in the home study process for anyone who is applying to adopt. All adoption applicants will need to consider guardianship and will name a guardian for their future child.
Argument: A child needs to be raised by both sexes.
Answer: Experts do agree that it is important for children to be exposed to both sexes, but it doesn’t have to be a parent. It can be a family friend, scout leader, or church member. What is most important is that the child is loved and cared for by many.
Argument: A single adopter will always be working and the child will be left home alone.
Answer: The social worker will assess the single adopter and ensure a strong network is in place, including appropriate child care arrangements. I once assessed a single female applicant serving in the Air Force. There was a small risk for her to be deployed overseas. We discussed the plan for her current child and detailed an alternative plan to include her future child.
Helpful Suggestions for the Single Adopter:
v Start your research early. Know your facts before you tell others about your plan to adopt. This will arm you with accurate information for those naysayers.
v Part of your research will include finding an agency, attorney, or international country that will allow and approve single adopters. Ask if they have or know of any support groups in the area. If not, see the next step.
v Join an adoption support group in your area. It is always helpful to surround yourself with people that can support you and your ideas. Members of your support group can also guide you to certain agencies and provide helpful information.
v Don’t assume that any or all roadblocks are due to your single status. Everyone experiences barriers at some point in the process. Don’t let a set-back discourage you.
Adoption is a process, sometimes lengthy and difficult for all applicants, regardless of the marital status. With proper planning, patience, and perseverance, you can succeed. Congratulations on the decision to expand your family.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Positive Parenting: 5 surefire ways to improve your parenting style
Whether you are adopting, have adopted, or have children any other way, it's important to create a positive atmosphere for them to grow and mature into successful adults.
This one is somewhat lengthy, so grab some coffee and enjoy! I promise it is well worth the time.
What are some of the best things about being a parent? If you are like me, you can fill up an hour talking about all the good things of being a parent. When parenting becomes most difficult, it is helpful to refer back to our list to remind us of how great it is or can be. Take a few minutes now and create a list of all of the great things that come to your mind about parenting your child or children. You can even do a separate list for each child and another list that encompasses all of your children.
There are many external factors that parents must deal with today. Parents must contend with their child’s peers and the pressures that can bring. The media exposure through television and music can also fight against the positive message parents are trying to bring to their children. A parent’s work schedule may make it difficult to spend quality time together. There are always factors that we must overcome if we are to parent our children in a positive and uplifting manner.
Here are 5 ways to improve your parenting style and bring back closeness with you and your child.
Some of these tips are not for the faint at heart—parenting requires hard work and dedication to the task at hand. I can assure you that these tips are tried and true in my home.
1—Routines: When children know what to expect, they are able to practice making good decisions based on the repetitiveness of a routine. Families should have several sets of routines, done throughout the day. Morning routines get us up on time and out the door, after school routines ensure all homework is done and the most important routine is the one that is done before going to bed. Here is an idea of what to include in your routines, and we’ll start with the most important one:
Before Bed routine, which actually starts right after the evening meal, will include getting ready for the next day. It will consist of getting a bath, brushing your teeth, and laying out clothes for the next day. This helps adults as well as children. If you find that what you want to wear has a button missing or a stain, you can easily make the decision of repairing or washing your item or picking something else. (Have you ever tried to figure out what to wear when you got up late and have to be out the door in five minutes and your favorite blouse has a stain on it?) Also, before bed, ensure that anything that needs to get out the door with you in the morning is packed and ready to go, including lunch or lunch money, the backpack with homework and permissions slips. If you eat breakfast at home, this is a great time to set the table and sit out the cereal box.
Morning routine—when morning comes around there is no thinking needed—the clothes are ready and laid out, the bag is packed, and you can move right into the basics of the breakfast, getting dressed, brushing teeth and getting out the door in time without a frantic rush or panic of forgetting something important.
After school or Afternoon Routine—this can be for your children or for you if you stay home
with younger children. For school aged children, when they come in from school, this is the time for snacks, chores, and starting homework. This is especially important if you aren’t home, they know exactly what needs to be done and they can get started on it so that it is done and after the evening meal, you can go right into the next set of routines. If you are a stay at home mom, the afternoon is the time when you will want to make sure you have a plan for dinner, if you haven’t exercised yet, do you have a plan to, have you had something for lunch?
The importance of the routines is to look at what you and your family does each day to get out the door on time and get to bed at a decent hour. It helps to write everything down until it becomes…well…routine for you. It is different for every family, but here is an example of our routines. (My husband and I are raising 5 children together, ages 8, 9, 11, 14 and 16. These following routines primarily apply to the youngest three)
Before bed—clothes are selected based on the weather; each child takes a shower and brushes their teeth. Each child is encouraged to read for 20 minutes, usually with Mom or Dad. Bed time is 8:30.
Morning—each child gets up at 7:30 and gets dressed, has breakfast of cereal and fruit and brushes their hair and teeth. Our youngest must take medication and put in her contacts. Any additional time is used to read, start on the afternoon chores, or pick up their room. We are out the door at 8:20 for the bus.
After school—each child has a snack, does afternoon chores, and completes their homework. Any time after that and before dinner, can be used to play outside or if they have earned it, they can have 30 minutes to play games on the computer.
(You may notice there is no television time mentioned. I will cover this more in tip #5.)
2—Spend time with your child day doing something meaningful; children spell love as TIME. Depending on your child’s age, pick an appropriate activity such as reading a book, playing outside, or helping with homework. I don’t consider or recommend watching television as a meaningful activity, as there is no interaction with your child. (More on this in tip #5)
Spending time with your child isn’t really optional if you want to be a positive parent. If all you ever say to them is “hurry up”, “don’t do that”, “stop”, “why didn’t you…..”, you will quickly become a nag and they will tune you out, as well as everything you say to them, good or bad. Take the time to do something with them, and if you have more than one, you may have to schedule fun time with each of them. It’s easy to get caught up in the business of getting it all done, but I promise, you will not send them off to college wishing you had washed more dishes.
3—Eat a meal together at least five nights a week. It’s amazing how much you can learn from your child over a meal. Children want to tell you about their day. They want to know someone is interested in them. Start this as early as possible, even if your child is still in a high chair. Pull it up to the table and make it a family event.
I have a 14 year old and I’ve been doing this since she was 2 years old. And as I had more children, we continued the tradition of asking each other two questions each night. We call it “Best Thing Worst Thing”. We each share the best thing and worst thing that happened to us during the day. The best thing is an opportunity for everyone to share some of their achievements of the day and gives the parents an opportunity to praise their child for making good decisions. The worst thing allows the child to share any struggles or issues and helps them to learn that Mom and Dad and home are safe places to talk about their issues or concerns. This also allows the child a chance to process what happened and what they might be able to have done differently to achieve an alternative and more positive outcome.
4—Know your child’s friends—this becomes more and more important as they get older. How do you do this? Let your house be the one that the kids want to come to. Have snacks available to them, food will almost always attract the kids, especially the teenagers. Give them a place to just hang out, watch television, get on My Space, or listen to music. Make it as supervised as possible, without being obvious. Our teenagers do not go to someone else’s home unless I know and have talked with the parents, to ensure that an adult will be home.
By letting my children’s friends come to our house, it gives me a chance to see how these young people conduct themselves and I can decide if I want their influence on my child. My children know our values and if they bring someone home that doesn’t share a closeness to our values, I discourage the friendship. Youth who come to our house and help themselves to my refrigerator or pantry without permission are not usually invited back. I also use this as a teaching opportunity for my children, appropriate behavior when you are a guest in someone’s home.
5—Turn off the television and keep it off. Did I hear a gasp yet? When I say turn off the television, I mean turn it off for five days out of the week. There are several reasons that I suggest this…By the time the kids get home from school, and complete their afternoon routines of homework, snack, and chores, it is usually getting close to dinner time. Between a day at school and their afternoon responsibilities, they need some fresh air, some exercise, and just some down time in general. How relaxing is it to sit and color, or talk on the phone with their friends, or even better, let them help prepare dinner with you, which is a perfect example of tip #2. After the evening meal, you are starting your before bed routine, and getting ready for the next day, then it’s bed time.
Another reason to turn off the television is the shows that are on today. It’s not Mayberry or Pollyanna that our kids are being exposed to. If you have watched any of the shows on Disney lately, you will see that the kids are in control, parents are either absent or absolutely clueless about what their children are doing. There is usually some form of deception involved, a lie is told and the kids spend 30 minutes trying to cover it up, instead of just being honest up front. Is this the message you want to send to your child?
Reality shows, such as “Sweet 16” portray teenagers celebrating this monumental milestone, thinking she deserves a $50,000 car in the color of her choice. And the parents oblige her! Do you plan to drop that much money on any of your children’s birthdays? It’s very difficult to have your children buy into your values, morals, and beliefs and also let them be exposed to beliefs that differ so greatly.
In our home, the television can be turned on to pre-approved shows on Friday nights and Saturdays only. By Sunday afternoon, we are in the mode of getting ready for the week, so we keep it off unless there is something in particular that would be a treat for all of us to enjoy together. My 9 year old is in a class with 23 other students and he is one of 2 children that doesn’t watch television on school nights.
Many times parents want to blame our schools, churches, and neighborhoods for the way our children are being raised. It’s time that we as parents fully accept our responsibility for the fate of our children.
I made the choice to have my children and I believe that it is 100% my responsibility to train them in the way they should go. You would not take a young plant, one that doesn’t yet have strong and firm roots and leave that plant in the dead of winter without protection. Children are not “little adults”, their minds are not developed and we have to protect them, make decisions for them, and all along the way teach them the way they should go, so that when the time is right, adulthood happily awaits them.
This one is somewhat lengthy, so grab some coffee and enjoy! I promise it is well worth the time.
What are some of the best things about being a parent? If you are like me, you can fill up an hour talking about all the good things of being a parent. When parenting becomes most difficult, it is helpful to refer back to our list to remind us of how great it is or can be. Take a few minutes now and create a list of all of the great things that come to your mind about parenting your child or children. You can even do a separate list for each child and another list that encompasses all of your children.
There are many external factors that parents must deal with today. Parents must contend with their child’s peers and the pressures that can bring. The media exposure through television and music can also fight against the positive message parents are trying to bring to their children. A parent’s work schedule may make it difficult to spend quality time together. There are always factors that we must overcome if we are to parent our children in a positive and uplifting manner.
Here are 5 ways to improve your parenting style and bring back closeness with you and your child.
Some of these tips are not for the faint at heart—parenting requires hard work and dedication to the task at hand. I can assure you that these tips are tried and true in my home.
1—Routines: When children know what to expect, they are able to practice making good decisions based on the repetitiveness of a routine. Families should have several sets of routines, done throughout the day. Morning routines get us up on time and out the door, after school routines ensure all homework is done and the most important routine is the one that is done before going to bed. Here is an idea of what to include in your routines, and we’ll start with the most important one:
Before Bed routine, which actually starts right after the evening meal, will include getting ready for the next day. It will consist of getting a bath, brushing your teeth, and laying out clothes for the next day. This helps adults as well as children. If you find that what you want to wear has a button missing or a stain, you can easily make the decision of repairing or washing your item or picking something else. (Have you ever tried to figure out what to wear when you got up late and have to be out the door in five minutes and your favorite blouse has a stain on it?) Also, before bed, ensure that anything that needs to get out the door with you in the morning is packed and ready to go, including lunch or lunch money, the backpack with homework and permissions slips. If you eat breakfast at home, this is a great time to set the table and sit out the cereal box.
Morning routine—when morning comes around there is no thinking needed—the clothes are ready and laid out, the bag is packed, and you can move right into the basics of the breakfast, getting dressed, brushing teeth and getting out the door in time without a frantic rush or panic of forgetting something important.
After school or Afternoon Routine—this can be for your children or for you if you stay home
with younger children. For school aged children, when they come in from school, this is the time for snacks, chores, and starting homework. This is especially important if you aren’t home, they know exactly what needs to be done and they can get started on it so that it is done and after the evening meal, you can go right into the next set of routines. If you are a stay at home mom, the afternoon is the time when you will want to make sure you have a plan for dinner, if you haven’t exercised yet, do you have a plan to, have you had something for lunch?
The importance of the routines is to look at what you and your family does each day to get out the door on time and get to bed at a decent hour. It helps to write everything down until it becomes…well…routine for you. It is different for every family, but here is an example of our routines. (My husband and I are raising 5 children together, ages 8, 9, 11, 14 and 16. These following routines primarily apply to the youngest three)
Before bed—clothes are selected based on the weather; each child takes a shower and brushes their teeth. Each child is encouraged to read for 20 minutes, usually with Mom or Dad. Bed time is 8:30.
Morning—each child gets up at 7:30 and gets dressed, has breakfast of cereal and fruit and brushes their hair and teeth. Our youngest must take medication and put in her contacts. Any additional time is used to read, start on the afternoon chores, or pick up their room. We are out the door at 8:20 for the bus.
After school—each child has a snack, does afternoon chores, and completes their homework. Any time after that and before dinner, can be used to play outside or if they have earned it, they can have 30 minutes to play games on the computer.
(You may notice there is no television time mentioned. I will cover this more in tip #5.)
2—Spend time with your child day doing something meaningful; children spell love as TIME. Depending on your child’s age, pick an appropriate activity such as reading a book, playing outside, or helping with homework. I don’t consider or recommend watching television as a meaningful activity, as there is no interaction with your child. (More on this in tip #5)
Spending time with your child isn’t really optional if you want to be a positive parent. If all you ever say to them is “hurry up”, “don’t do that”, “stop”, “why didn’t you…..”, you will quickly become a nag and they will tune you out, as well as everything you say to them, good or bad. Take the time to do something with them, and if you have more than one, you may have to schedule fun time with each of them. It’s easy to get caught up in the business of getting it all done, but I promise, you will not send them off to college wishing you had washed more dishes.
3—Eat a meal together at least five nights a week. It’s amazing how much you can learn from your child over a meal. Children want to tell you about their day. They want to know someone is interested in them. Start this as early as possible, even if your child is still in a high chair. Pull it up to the table and make it a family event.
I have a 14 year old and I’ve been doing this since she was 2 years old. And as I had more children, we continued the tradition of asking each other two questions each night. We call it “Best Thing Worst Thing”. We each share the best thing and worst thing that happened to us during the day. The best thing is an opportunity for everyone to share some of their achievements of the day and gives the parents an opportunity to praise their child for making good decisions. The worst thing allows the child to share any struggles or issues and helps them to learn that Mom and Dad and home are safe places to talk about their issues or concerns. This also allows the child a chance to process what happened and what they might be able to have done differently to achieve an alternative and more positive outcome.
4—Know your child’s friends—this becomes more and more important as they get older. How do you do this? Let your house be the one that the kids want to come to. Have snacks available to them, food will almost always attract the kids, especially the teenagers. Give them a place to just hang out, watch television, get on My Space, or listen to music. Make it as supervised as possible, without being obvious. Our teenagers do not go to someone else’s home unless I know and have talked with the parents, to ensure that an adult will be home.
By letting my children’s friends come to our house, it gives me a chance to see how these young people conduct themselves and I can decide if I want their influence on my child. My children know our values and if they bring someone home that doesn’t share a closeness to our values, I discourage the friendship. Youth who come to our house and help themselves to my refrigerator or pantry without permission are not usually invited back. I also use this as a teaching opportunity for my children, appropriate behavior when you are a guest in someone’s home.
5—Turn off the television and keep it off. Did I hear a gasp yet? When I say turn off the television, I mean turn it off for five days out of the week. There are several reasons that I suggest this…By the time the kids get home from school, and complete their afternoon routines of homework, snack, and chores, it is usually getting close to dinner time. Between a day at school and their afternoon responsibilities, they need some fresh air, some exercise, and just some down time in general. How relaxing is it to sit and color, or talk on the phone with their friends, or even better, let them help prepare dinner with you, which is a perfect example of tip #2. After the evening meal, you are starting your before bed routine, and getting ready for the next day, then it’s bed time.
Another reason to turn off the television is the shows that are on today. It’s not Mayberry or Pollyanna that our kids are being exposed to. If you have watched any of the shows on Disney lately, you will see that the kids are in control, parents are either absent or absolutely clueless about what their children are doing. There is usually some form of deception involved, a lie is told and the kids spend 30 minutes trying to cover it up, instead of just being honest up front. Is this the message you want to send to your child?
Reality shows, such as “Sweet 16” portray teenagers celebrating this monumental milestone, thinking she deserves a $50,000 car in the color of her choice. And the parents oblige her! Do you plan to drop that much money on any of your children’s birthdays? It’s very difficult to have your children buy into your values, morals, and beliefs and also let them be exposed to beliefs that differ so greatly.
In our home, the television can be turned on to pre-approved shows on Friday nights and Saturdays only. By Sunday afternoon, we are in the mode of getting ready for the week, so we keep it off unless there is something in particular that would be a treat for all of us to enjoy together. My 9 year old is in a class with 23 other students and he is one of 2 children that doesn’t watch television on school nights.
Many times parents want to blame our schools, churches, and neighborhoods for the way our children are being raised. It’s time that we as parents fully accept our responsibility for the fate of our children.
I made the choice to have my children and I believe that it is 100% my responsibility to train them in the way they should go. You would not take a young plant, one that doesn’t yet have strong and firm roots and leave that plant in the dead of winter without protection. Children are not “little adults”, their minds are not developed and we have to protect them, make decisions for them, and all along the way teach them the way they should go, so that when the time is right, adulthood happily awaits them.
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