Check out the latest on adoption credit
http://www.irs.gov/taxtopics/tc607.html
Friday, March 5, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
Red Flags
Detecting Red Flags
Listed are areas of concern. They may or may not pertain to every situation, however they are red flags to consider. If you have any questions, please contact us.
Adoption Professionals, Facilitators, Adoption Advertising Companies:
•Requests a large upfront fee and the rest are due upon the completion of an adoption.
•Has a flashy website with lots of information and does not have information about their staff, physical address or mission statement.
•Guarantees a placement in X amount of time.
•Sent you information several weeks ago and you did not receive it, the professional is surprised.
•Has not returned your phone calls as they have had a personal crisis.
•Promises you he/she will find you a baby.
•Sends out regular emails of available situations that need to be matched immediately.
•States they have no negative reports or references.
•Has been in business for a year and has successfully placed 100% of the time.
•Does not seek out their own potential expectant parents but uses others services
and stacks fees.
•Seems to avoid face-to-face contact.
•Screams and yells at you and states you are the reason potential birth parent(s) has walked away from the match.
•Does not get proof of pregnancy nor verifies it, and does not get release of medical information prior to a match.
•Sets you up with a high-risk adoption.
•Tell you repeatedly to not worry about birth dad and his rights.
•Relocates the expectant moms they work with.
•Has expectant mom lie about birth dads where abouts.
Expectant Parent(s)
•Asks for money to be sent to them due to a crisis.
•Request a plane ticket or bus ticket so she can travel to your home and await delivery.
•Refuses counseling or to talk to your adoption professional.
•Refuses to consult with your attorney or agency.
•Refuses to name birth dad.
•Refuses to tell family or friends.
•Refuses to sign a medical release over to you or your adoption professional.
•Does not ask you questions about you, your home, or your family.
•States, “you are the family” with in the first contact.
•Seems to be dealing with one crisis after another. Much drama in her life.
•Is being kicked out of home, homeless shelter and needs money wired immediately.
•Keeps changing due date.
•Sends you ultrasound without a name on it or other verifying information.
•Insist on being the one who does the contacting.
•Refuses to give you or your adoption professional her/his contact information.
•Will only have contact with you over the net.
•Constantly needs money.
•Knows too much about adoption and how it works.
•Refuses or has a lot of excuses as to why she/he cannot utilize resources within their community.
•Does not tell her doctor about the adoption plan.
Prospective Adoptive Parent(s)
•They make demands instead of requests.
• Have no homestudy.Ask the adoptive couple who their homestudy was completed by. You call or have your attorney call to validate this information before you proceed to far into an adoption plan.
•Story changes in regards to what type of adoption they are looking for and how much contact they want after the baby is born
•Extremely desperate and says or does anything they can in order to get the expectant mom to match with them.
•Pressures you, belittles you, is disrespectful, or they have no concept of boundaries.
•Does not support counseling for the expectant mom. (some states require mandatory counseling).
•Tries to circumvent the laws or disregards expectant mom and dad's rights.
•Wants to put one of their names on the orginal birth certificate.•Sends references to you but does not allow you to contact them.
•If you are being promised an open adoption but you are not allowed to have their physical address or home phone number.
Trust your instincts and allow yourself to listen to others experiences. Think with your head and not your heart. Remember, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is, and most of all empower yourself with education!
Provided by Adoption Scams/The Cruelest Con
Listed are areas of concern. They may or may not pertain to every situation, however they are red flags to consider. If you have any questions, please contact us.
Adoption Professionals, Facilitators, Adoption Advertising Companies:
•Requests a large upfront fee and the rest are due upon the completion of an adoption.
•Has a flashy website with lots of information and does not have information about their staff, physical address or mission statement.
•Guarantees a placement in X amount of time.
•Sent you information several weeks ago and you did not receive it, the professional is surprised.
•Has not returned your phone calls as they have had a personal crisis.
•Promises you he/she will find you a baby.
•Sends out regular emails of available situations that need to be matched immediately.
•States they have no negative reports or references.
•Has been in business for a year and has successfully placed 100% of the time.
•Does not seek out their own potential expectant parents but uses others services
and stacks fees.
•Seems to avoid face-to-face contact.
•Screams and yells at you and states you are the reason potential birth parent(s) has walked away from the match.
•Does not get proof of pregnancy nor verifies it, and does not get release of medical information prior to a match.
•Sets you up with a high-risk adoption.
•Tell you repeatedly to not worry about birth dad and his rights.
•Relocates the expectant moms they work with.
•Has expectant mom lie about birth dads where abouts.
Expectant Parent(s)
•Asks for money to be sent to them due to a crisis.
•Request a plane ticket or bus ticket so she can travel to your home and await delivery.
•Refuses counseling or to talk to your adoption professional.
•Refuses to consult with your attorney or agency.
•Refuses to name birth dad.
•Refuses to tell family or friends.
•Refuses to sign a medical release over to you or your adoption professional.
•Does not ask you questions about you, your home, or your family.
•States, “you are the family” with in the first contact.
•Seems to be dealing with one crisis after another. Much drama in her life.
•Is being kicked out of home, homeless shelter and needs money wired immediately.
•Keeps changing due date.
•Sends you ultrasound without a name on it or other verifying information.
•Insist on being the one who does the contacting.
•Refuses to give you or your adoption professional her/his contact information.
•Will only have contact with you over the net.
•Constantly needs money.
•Knows too much about adoption and how it works.
•Refuses or has a lot of excuses as to why she/he cannot utilize resources within their community.
•Does not tell her doctor about the adoption plan.
Prospective Adoptive Parent(s)
•They make demands instead of requests.
• Have no homestudy.Ask the adoptive couple who their homestudy was completed by. You call or have your attorney call to validate this information before you proceed to far into an adoption plan.
•Story changes in regards to what type of adoption they are looking for and how much contact they want after the baby is born
•Extremely desperate and says or does anything they can in order to get the expectant mom to match with them.
•Pressures you, belittles you, is disrespectful, or they have no concept of boundaries.
•Does not support counseling for the expectant mom. (some states require mandatory counseling).
•Tries to circumvent the laws or disregards expectant mom and dad's rights.
•Wants to put one of their names on the orginal birth certificate.•Sends references to you but does not allow you to contact them.
•If you are being promised an open adoption but you are not allowed to have their physical address or home phone number.
Trust your instincts and allow yourself to listen to others experiences. Think with your head and not your heart. Remember, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is, and most of all empower yourself with education!
Provided by Adoption Scams/The Cruelest Con
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Reduce Adoption Risks
Educate yourself on facilitators that "piggyback" (facilitators that network and don't necessarily screen or have their own expectant mothers). They are the ones that you will see advertising or "dangling" leads on the Internet. Beware of anyone "dangling" leads in front of you or an adoption professional referring to the baby as "your baby". Sometimes attorneys and agencies will do this as well. Although these situations will tug at your heartstrings it is best to find another avenue. If you get a promise of a quick adoption, beware there is no quick trip to the "Baby Store".
Make sure that the adoption professional you are working with does thorough expectant mother screenings. All expectant mothers should be offered and receive appropriate counseling. Don't be afraid to ask questions and request proof of pregnancy. A few "red flags" to watch for would be professionals who avoid answering any of your questions, someone that refuses to contact your attorney, or someone that doesn't return your phone calls promptly. Beware if there seems to always be a reason for not sending you specific information or they are surprised that you have not received the information.
If adoptive parents are presented with an expectant mother and an adoption professional is requiring money up front, pushing for an answer in a short time period, or threatening that you will lose the match, slow down and think with your head and not your heart. Why would the adoption professional be so pushy when there are many prospective adoptive parents seeking to adopt?
Adoptive parents and expectant moms should contact their local or state RESOLVE Chapters for referrals on adoption professionals. Once prospective adoptive parents and even expectant mothers have narrowed the field down to a few adoption professionals they need to investigate thoroughly, even upon doing this there may be no guarantees.
Check for complaints with the State Attorneys General's office, the state licensing agency, local police departments, Internet sites and the Better Business Bureau (I don't put a lot of stock into the BBB. Beware if the BBB has an automated system all the scam artist has to do is to change their phone number to get the system to eliminate negative reports) Ask lots of questions!
Do a background check on the business and avoid businesses that have flashy marketing materials or advertise in the yellow pages. Even a well-created Internet site can be misleading. A reputable adoption professional does NOT need to seek out clients.
Check out your state laws regarding adoption and the laws of the state you are adopting from. The laws in each state vary and it is often difficult to find your way through the maze. Some states do not allow facilitation services. Some states do not allow private adoptions. And some states put the baby into foster care for a time.
Educate yourself. Read books, watch videos, attend seminars and support groups. Join various Internet egroups or check message boards on the Internet for any positive or negative reports. Network with other adoptive parents, expectant parents or birth parents. Keep reading! Educate yourself in the laws.....educate...educate..educate!
Expectant moms have the right to change their minds and not proceed with an adoption plan. Ethical adoptive parents only want what is best for the expectant mom as well as the child. Open adoptions, counseling by an independant party can thoroughly explore an adoption plan. No expectant mom should be coerced, bribed or or made promises of monetary means.
Validate all information. Documents and pictures all can be forged!
Obtained from Adoption Scam/Cruelest Con
Make sure that the adoption professional you are working with does thorough expectant mother screenings. All expectant mothers should be offered and receive appropriate counseling. Don't be afraid to ask questions and request proof of pregnancy. A few "red flags" to watch for would be professionals who avoid answering any of your questions, someone that refuses to contact your attorney, or someone that doesn't return your phone calls promptly. Beware if there seems to always be a reason for not sending you specific information or they are surprised that you have not received the information.
If adoptive parents are presented with an expectant mother and an adoption professional is requiring money up front, pushing for an answer in a short time period, or threatening that you will lose the match, slow down and think with your head and not your heart. Why would the adoption professional be so pushy when there are many prospective adoptive parents seeking to adopt?
Adoptive parents and expectant moms should contact their local or state RESOLVE Chapters for referrals on adoption professionals. Once prospective adoptive parents and even expectant mothers have narrowed the field down to a few adoption professionals they need to investigate thoroughly, even upon doing this there may be no guarantees.
Check for complaints with the State Attorneys General's office, the state licensing agency, local police departments, Internet sites and the Better Business Bureau (I don't put a lot of stock into the BBB. Beware if the BBB has an automated system all the scam artist has to do is to change their phone number to get the system to eliminate negative reports) Ask lots of questions!
Do a background check on the business and avoid businesses that have flashy marketing materials or advertise in the yellow pages. Even a well-created Internet site can be misleading. A reputable adoption professional does NOT need to seek out clients.
Check out your state laws regarding adoption and the laws of the state you are adopting from. The laws in each state vary and it is often difficult to find your way through the maze. Some states do not allow facilitation services. Some states do not allow private adoptions. And some states put the baby into foster care for a time.
Educate yourself. Read books, watch videos, attend seminars and support groups. Join various Internet egroups or check message boards on the Internet for any positive or negative reports. Network with other adoptive parents, expectant parents or birth parents. Keep reading! Educate yourself in the laws.....educate...educate..educate!
Expectant moms have the right to change their minds and not proceed with an adoption plan. Ethical adoptive parents only want what is best for the expectant mom as well as the child. Open adoptions, counseling by an independant party can thoroughly explore an adoption plan. No expectant mom should be coerced, bribed or or made promises of monetary means.
Validate all information. Documents and pictures all can be forged!
Obtained from Adoption Scam/Cruelest Con
Friday, December 25, 2009
The Adoption Authority Updates
So many new things are happening with The Adoption Authority! In the last few months, we have started an outreach program for potential birth mothers. We have made numerous contacts and spoken with dozens of potential birth mothers. We have several birthmothers already matched to adoptive families and we are focused on increasing these numbers.
We offer a variety of services to birth mothers, depending on the situation and needs of the parent. We are able to meet with these ladies, assess their needs and provide supportive services such as counseling, identifying an adoptive family, job training, suitable housing, medical care, GED programs, just to name a few resources available.
We realize that the pathway to becoming a family can be as unique as the parents creating that family. We are thrilled to be a part of the process in any way. We look forward to many more matches and providing the personalized care and services to all of our families.
We offer a variety of services to birth mothers, depending on the situation and needs of the parent. We are able to meet with these ladies, assess their needs and provide supportive services such as counseling, identifying an adoptive family, job training, suitable housing, medical care, GED programs, just to name a few resources available.
We realize that the pathway to becoming a family can be as unique as the parents creating that family. We are thrilled to be a part of the process in any way. We look forward to many more matches and providing the personalized care and services to all of our families.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
I’m not married, Can I still adopt?
Martial status is not necessarily a barrier to adopting, although many agencies, attorneys, and/or international countries still consider a married couple as the ideal adopters. There are many wonderful people that want to become parents, and there are many children that would thrive in a home with a single parent, especially when compared to their current situation or alternative placement.
Many reasons exist for unmarried men and women to choose adoption. These include:
v They have never married and have no intention of getting married. I once asked a single female applicant if she planned to ever marry. She said, “well, the perfect man hasn’t knocked on my door yet and I’m not out looking out for him, either”.
v They might like to get married at some point, but are not currently in a relationship.
v They may be gay or lesbian and know that legal marriage isn’t an option.
v They want to be a parent more than they want to be married.
Many people like to make arguments against single parent adoption. Single adopters need to know what the arguments are and have an answer readily available.
Argument: A child needs to have two parents so that one can fill in for the other in case of illness or out of town trips for work.
Answer: Yes, raising children can require juggling of schedules at times. Single adopters will need to have a support system in place to assist when needed.
Argument: A child will be orphaned if the single parent dies.
Answer: Most social workers will address this in the home study process for anyone who is applying to adopt. All adoption applicants will need to consider guardianship and will name a guardian for their future child.
Argument: A child needs to be raised by both sexes.
Answer: Experts do agree that it is important for children to be exposed to both sexes, but it doesn’t have to be a parent. It can be a family friend, scout leader, or church member. What is most important is that the child is loved and cared for by many.
Argument: A single adopter will always be working and the child will be left home alone.
Answer: The social worker will assess the single adopter and ensure a strong network is in place, including appropriate child care arrangements. I once assessed a single female applicant serving in the Air Force. There was a small risk for her to be deployed overseas. We discussed the plan for her current child and detailed an alternative plan to include her future child.
Helpful Suggestions for the Single Adopter:
v Start your research early. Know your facts before you tell others about your plan to adopt. This will arm you with accurate information for those naysayers.
v Part of your research will include finding an agency, attorney, or international country that will allow and approve single adopters. Ask if they have or know of any support groups in the area. If not, see the next step.
v Join an adoption support group in your area. It is always helpful to surround yourself with people that can support you and your ideas. Members of your support group can also guide you to certain agencies and provide helpful information.
v Don’t assume that any or all roadblocks are due to your single status. Everyone experiences barriers at some point in the process. Don’t let a set-back discourage you.
Adoption is a process, sometimes lengthy and difficult for all applicants, regardless of the marital status. With proper planning, patience, and perseverance, you can succeed. Congratulations on the decision to expand your family.
Martial status is not necessarily a barrier to adopting, although many agencies, attorneys, and/or international countries still consider a married couple as the ideal adopters. There are many wonderful people that want to become parents, and there are many children that would thrive in a home with a single parent, especially when compared to their current situation or alternative placement.
Many reasons exist for unmarried men and women to choose adoption. These include:
v They have never married and have no intention of getting married. I once asked a single female applicant if she planned to ever marry. She said, “well, the perfect man hasn’t knocked on my door yet and I’m not out looking out for him, either”.
v They might like to get married at some point, but are not currently in a relationship.
v They may be gay or lesbian and know that legal marriage isn’t an option.
v They want to be a parent more than they want to be married.
Many people like to make arguments against single parent adoption. Single adopters need to know what the arguments are and have an answer readily available.
Argument: A child needs to have two parents so that one can fill in for the other in case of illness or out of town trips for work.
Answer: Yes, raising children can require juggling of schedules at times. Single adopters will need to have a support system in place to assist when needed.
Argument: A child will be orphaned if the single parent dies.
Answer: Most social workers will address this in the home study process for anyone who is applying to adopt. All adoption applicants will need to consider guardianship and will name a guardian for their future child.
Argument: A child needs to be raised by both sexes.
Answer: Experts do agree that it is important for children to be exposed to both sexes, but it doesn’t have to be a parent. It can be a family friend, scout leader, or church member. What is most important is that the child is loved and cared for by many.
Argument: A single adopter will always be working and the child will be left home alone.
Answer: The social worker will assess the single adopter and ensure a strong network is in place, including appropriate child care arrangements. I once assessed a single female applicant serving in the Air Force. There was a small risk for her to be deployed overseas. We discussed the plan for her current child and detailed an alternative plan to include her future child.
Helpful Suggestions for the Single Adopter:
v Start your research early. Know your facts before you tell others about your plan to adopt. This will arm you with accurate information for those naysayers.
v Part of your research will include finding an agency, attorney, or international country that will allow and approve single adopters. Ask if they have or know of any support groups in the area. If not, see the next step.
v Join an adoption support group in your area. It is always helpful to surround yourself with people that can support you and your ideas. Members of your support group can also guide you to certain agencies and provide helpful information.
v Don’t assume that any or all roadblocks are due to your single status. Everyone experiences barriers at some point in the process. Don’t let a set-back discourage you.
Adoption is a process, sometimes lengthy and difficult for all applicants, regardless of the marital status. With proper planning, patience, and perseverance, you can succeed. Congratulations on the decision to expand your family.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Positive Parenting: 5 surefire ways to improve your parenting style
Whether you are adopting, have adopted, or have children any other way, it's important to create a positive atmosphere for them to grow and mature into successful adults.
This one is somewhat lengthy, so grab some coffee and enjoy! I promise it is well worth the time.
What are some of the best things about being a parent? If you are like me, you can fill up an hour talking about all the good things of being a parent. When parenting becomes most difficult, it is helpful to refer back to our list to remind us of how great it is or can be. Take a few minutes now and create a list of all of the great things that come to your mind about parenting your child or children. You can even do a separate list for each child and another list that encompasses all of your children.
There are many external factors that parents must deal with today. Parents must contend with their child’s peers and the pressures that can bring. The media exposure through television and music can also fight against the positive message parents are trying to bring to their children. A parent’s work schedule may make it difficult to spend quality time together. There are always factors that we must overcome if we are to parent our children in a positive and uplifting manner.
Here are 5 ways to improve your parenting style and bring back closeness with you and your child.
Some of these tips are not for the faint at heart—parenting requires hard work and dedication to the task at hand. I can assure you that these tips are tried and true in my home.
1—Routines: When children know what to expect, they are able to practice making good decisions based on the repetitiveness of a routine. Families should have several sets of routines, done throughout the day. Morning routines get us up on time and out the door, after school routines ensure all homework is done and the most important routine is the one that is done before going to bed. Here is an idea of what to include in your routines, and we’ll start with the most important one:
Before Bed routine, which actually starts right after the evening meal, will include getting ready for the next day. It will consist of getting a bath, brushing your teeth, and laying out clothes for the next day. This helps adults as well as children. If you find that what you want to wear has a button missing or a stain, you can easily make the decision of repairing or washing your item or picking something else. (Have you ever tried to figure out what to wear when you got up late and have to be out the door in five minutes and your favorite blouse has a stain on it?) Also, before bed, ensure that anything that needs to get out the door with you in the morning is packed and ready to go, including lunch or lunch money, the backpack with homework and permissions slips. If you eat breakfast at home, this is a great time to set the table and sit out the cereal box.
Morning routine—when morning comes around there is no thinking needed—the clothes are ready and laid out, the bag is packed, and you can move right into the basics of the breakfast, getting dressed, brushing teeth and getting out the door in time without a frantic rush or panic of forgetting something important.
After school or Afternoon Routine—this can be for your children or for you if you stay home
with younger children. For school aged children, when they come in from school, this is the time for snacks, chores, and starting homework. This is especially important if you aren’t home, they know exactly what needs to be done and they can get started on it so that it is done and after the evening meal, you can go right into the next set of routines. If you are a stay at home mom, the afternoon is the time when you will want to make sure you have a plan for dinner, if you haven’t exercised yet, do you have a plan to, have you had something for lunch?
The importance of the routines is to look at what you and your family does each day to get out the door on time and get to bed at a decent hour. It helps to write everything down until it becomes…well…routine for you. It is different for every family, but here is an example of our routines. (My husband and I are raising 5 children together, ages 8, 9, 11, 14 and 16. These following routines primarily apply to the youngest three)
Before bed—clothes are selected based on the weather; each child takes a shower and brushes their teeth. Each child is encouraged to read for 20 minutes, usually with Mom or Dad. Bed time is 8:30.
Morning—each child gets up at 7:30 and gets dressed, has breakfast of cereal and fruit and brushes their hair and teeth. Our youngest must take medication and put in her contacts. Any additional time is used to read, start on the afternoon chores, or pick up their room. We are out the door at 8:20 for the bus.
After school—each child has a snack, does afternoon chores, and completes their homework. Any time after that and before dinner, can be used to play outside or if they have earned it, they can have 30 minutes to play games on the computer.
(You may notice there is no television time mentioned. I will cover this more in tip #5.)
2—Spend time with your child day doing something meaningful; children spell love as TIME. Depending on your child’s age, pick an appropriate activity such as reading a book, playing outside, or helping with homework. I don’t consider or recommend watching television as a meaningful activity, as there is no interaction with your child. (More on this in tip #5)
Spending time with your child isn’t really optional if you want to be a positive parent. If all you ever say to them is “hurry up”, “don’t do that”, “stop”, “why didn’t you…..”, you will quickly become a nag and they will tune you out, as well as everything you say to them, good or bad. Take the time to do something with them, and if you have more than one, you may have to schedule fun time with each of them. It’s easy to get caught up in the business of getting it all done, but I promise, you will not send them off to college wishing you had washed more dishes.
3—Eat a meal together at least five nights a week. It’s amazing how much you can learn from your child over a meal. Children want to tell you about their day. They want to know someone is interested in them. Start this as early as possible, even if your child is still in a high chair. Pull it up to the table and make it a family event.
I have a 14 year old and I’ve been doing this since she was 2 years old. And as I had more children, we continued the tradition of asking each other two questions each night. We call it “Best Thing Worst Thing”. We each share the best thing and worst thing that happened to us during the day. The best thing is an opportunity for everyone to share some of their achievements of the day and gives the parents an opportunity to praise their child for making good decisions. The worst thing allows the child to share any struggles or issues and helps them to learn that Mom and Dad and home are safe places to talk about their issues or concerns. This also allows the child a chance to process what happened and what they might be able to have done differently to achieve an alternative and more positive outcome.
4—Know your child’s friends—this becomes more and more important as they get older. How do you do this? Let your house be the one that the kids want to come to. Have snacks available to them, food will almost always attract the kids, especially the teenagers. Give them a place to just hang out, watch television, get on My Space, or listen to music. Make it as supervised as possible, without being obvious. Our teenagers do not go to someone else’s home unless I know and have talked with the parents, to ensure that an adult will be home.
By letting my children’s friends come to our house, it gives me a chance to see how these young people conduct themselves and I can decide if I want their influence on my child. My children know our values and if they bring someone home that doesn’t share a closeness to our values, I discourage the friendship. Youth who come to our house and help themselves to my refrigerator or pantry without permission are not usually invited back. I also use this as a teaching opportunity for my children, appropriate behavior when you are a guest in someone’s home.
5—Turn off the television and keep it off. Did I hear a gasp yet? When I say turn off the television, I mean turn it off for five days out of the week. There are several reasons that I suggest this…By the time the kids get home from school, and complete their afternoon routines of homework, snack, and chores, it is usually getting close to dinner time. Between a day at school and their afternoon responsibilities, they need some fresh air, some exercise, and just some down time in general. How relaxing is it to sit and color, or talk on the phone with their friends, or even better, let them help prepare dinner with you, which is a perfect example of tip #2. After the evening meal, you are starting your before bed routine, and getting ready for the next day, then it’s bed time.
Another reason to turn off the television is the shows that are on today. It’s not Mayberry or Pollyanna that our kids are being exposed to. If you have watched any of the shows on Disney lately, you will see that the kids are in control, parents are either absent or absolutely clueless about what their children are doing. There is usually some form of deception involved, a lie is told and the kids spend 30 minutes trying to cover it up, instead of just being honest up front. Is this the message you want to send to your child?
Reality shows, such as “Sweet 16” portray teenagers celebrating this monumental milestone, thinking she deserves a $50,000 car in the color of her choice. And the parents oblige her! Do you plan to drop that much money on any of your children’s birthdays? It’s very difficult to have your children buy into your values, morals, and beliefs and also let them be exposed to beliefs that differ so greatly.
In our home, the television can be turned on to pre-approved shows on Friday nights and Saturdays only. By Sunday afternoon, we are in the mode of getting ready for the week, so we keep it off unless there is something in particular that would be a treat for all of us to enjoy together. My 9 year old is in a class with 23 other students and he is one of 2 children that doesn’t watch television on school nights.
Many times parents want to blame our schools, churches, and neighborhoods for the way our children are being raised. It’s time that we as parents fully accept our responsibility for the fate of our children.
I made the choice to have my children and I believe that it is 100% my responsibility to train them in the way they should go. You would not take a young plant, one that doesn’t yet have strong and firm roots and leave that plant in the dead of winter without protection. Children are not “little adults”, their minds are not developed and we have to protect them, make decisions for them, and all along the way teach them the way they should go, so that when the time is right, adulthood happily awaits them.
This one is somewhat lengthy, so grab some coffee and enjoy! I promise it is well worth the time.
What are some of the best things about being a parent? If you are like me, you can fill up an hour talking about all the good things of being a parent. When parenting becomes most difficult, it is helpful to refer back to our list to remind us of how great it is or can be. Take a few minutes now and create a list of all of the great things that come to your mind about parenting your child or children. You can even do a separate list for each child and another list that encompasses all of your children.
There are many external factors that parents must deal with today. Parents must contend with their child’s peers and the pressures that can bring. The media exposure through television and music can also fight against the positive message parents are trying to bring to their children. A parent’s work schedule may make it difficult to spend quality time together. There are always factors that we must overcome if we are to parent our children in a positive and uplifting manner.
Here are 5 ways to improve your parenting style and bring back closeness with you and your child.
Some of these tips are not for the faint at heart—parenting requires hard work and dedication to the task at hand. I can assure you that these tips are tried and true in my home.
1—Routines: When children know what to expect, they are able to practice making good decisions based on the repetitiveness of a routine. Families should have several sets of routines, done throughout the day. Morning routines get us up on time and out the door, after school routines ensure all homework is done and the most important routine is the one that is done before going to bed. Here is an idea of what to include in your routines, and we’ll start with the most important one:
Before Bed routine, which actually starts right after the evening meal, will include getting ready for the next day. It will consist of getting a bath, brushing your teeth, and laying out clothes for the next day. This helps adults as well as children. If you find that what you want to wear has a button missing or a stain, you can easily make the decision of repairing or washing your item or picking something else. (Have you ever tried to figure out what to wear when you got up late and have to be out the door in five minutes and your favorite blouse has a stain on it?) Also, before bed, ensure that anything that needs to get out the door with you in the morning is packed and ready to go, including lunch or lunch money, the backpack with homework and permissions slips. If you eat breakfast at home, this is a great time to set the table and sit out the cereal box.
Morning routine—when morning comes around there is no thinking needed—the clothes are ready and laid out, the bag is packed, and you can move right into the basics of the breakfast, getting dressed, brushing teeth and getting out the door in time without a frantic rush or panic of forgetting something important.
After school or Afternoon Routine—this can be for your children or for you if you stay home
with younger children. For school aged children, when they come in from school, this is the time for snacks, chores, and starting homework. This is especially important if you aren’t home, they know exactly what needs to be done and they can get started on it so that it is done and after the evening meal, you can go right into the next set of routines. If you are a stay at home mom, the afternoon is the time when you will want to make sure you have a plan for dinner, if you haven’t exercised yet, do you have a plan to, have you had something for lunch?
The importance of the routines is to look at what you and your family does each day to get out the door on time and get to bed at a decent hour. It helps to write everything down until it becomes…well…routine for you. It is different for every family, but here is an example of our routines. (My husband and I are raising 5 children together, ages 8, 9, 11, 14 and 16. These following routines primarily apply to the youngest three)
Before bed—clothes are selected based on the weather; each child takes a shower and brushes their teeth. Each child is encouraged to read for 20 minutes, usually with Mom or Dad. Bed time is 8:30.
Morning—each child gets up at 7:30 and gets dressed, has breakfast of cereal and fruit and brushes their hair and teeth. Our youngest must take medication and put in her contacts. Any additional time is used to read, start on the afternoon chores, or pick up their room. We are out the door at 8:20 for the bus.
After school—each child has a snack, does afternoon chores, and completes their homework. Any time after that and before dinner, can be used to play outside or if they have earned it, they can have 30 minutes to play games on the computer.
(You may notice there is no television time mentioned. I will cover this more in tip #5.)
2—Spend time with your child day doing something meaningful; children spell love as TIME. Depending on your child’s age, pick an appropriate activity such as reading a book, playing outside, or helping with homework. I don’t consider or recommend watching television as a meaningful activity, as there is no interaction with your child. (More on this in tip #5)
Spending time with your child isn’t really optional if you want to be a positive parent. If all you ever say to them is “hurry up”, “don’t do that”, “stop”, “why didn’t you…..”, you will quickly become a nag and they will tune you out, as well as everything you say to them, good or bad. Take the time to do something with them, and if you have more than one, you may have to schedule fun time with each of them. It’s easy to get caught up in the business of getting it all done, but I promise, you will not send them off to college wishing you had washed more dishes.
3—Eat a meal together at least five nights a week. It’s amazing how much you can learn from your child over a meal. Children want to tell you about their day. They want to know someone is interested in them. Start this as early as possible, even if your child is still in a high chair. Pull it up to the table and make it a family event.
I have a 14 year old and I’ve been doing this since she was 2 years old. And as I had more children, we continued the tradition of asking each other two questions each night. We call it “Best Thing Worst Thing”. We each share the best thing and worst thing that happened to us during the day. The best thing is an opportunity for everyone to share some of their achievements of the day and gives the parents an opportunity to praise their child for making good decisions. The worst thing allows the child to share any struggles or issues and helps them to learn that Mom and Dad and home are safe places to talk about their issues or concerns. This also allows the child a chance to process what happened and what they might be able to have done differently to achieve an alternative and more positive outcome.
4—Know your child’s friends—this becomes more and more important as they get older. How do you do this? Let your house be the one that the kids want to come to. Have snacks available to them, food will almost always attract the kids, especially the teenagers. Give them a place to just hang out, watch television, get on My Space, or listen to music. Make it as supervised as possible, without being obvious. Our teenagers do not go to someone else’s home unless I know and have talked with the parents, to ensure that an adult will be home.
By letting my children’s friends come to our house, it gives me a chance to see how these young people conduct themselves and I can decide if I want their influence on my child. My children know our values and if they bring someone home that doesn’t share a closeness to our values, I discourage the friendship. Youth who come to our house and help themselves to my refrigerator or pantry without permission are not usually invited back. I also use this as a teaching opportunity for my children, appropriate behavior when you are a guest in someone’s home.
5—Turn off the television and keep it off. Did I hear a gasp yet? When I say turn off the television, I mean turn it off for five days out of the week. There are several reasons that I suggest this…By the time the kids get home from school, and complete their afternoon routines of homework, snack, and chores, it is usually getting close to dinner time. Between a day at school and their afternoon responsibilities, they need some fresh air, some exercise, and just some down time in general. How relaxing is it to sit and color, or talk on the phone with their friends, or even better, let them help prepare dinner with you, which is a perfect example of tip #2. After the evening meal, you are starting your before bed routine, and getting ready for the next day, then it’s bed time.
Another reason to turn off the television is the shows that are on today. It’s not Mayberry or Pollyanna that our kids are being exposed to. If you have watched any of the shows on Disney lately, you will see that the kids are in control, parents are either absent or absolutely clueless about what their children are doing. There is usually some form of deception involved, a lie is told and the kids spend 30 minutes trying to cover it up, instead of just being honest up front. Is this the message you want to send to your child?
Reality shows, such as “Sweet 16” portray teenagers celebrating this monumental milestone, thinking she deserves a $50,000 car in the color of her choice. And the parents oblige her! Do you plan to drop that much money on any of your children’s birthdays? It’s very difficult to have your children buy into your values, morals, and beliefs and also let them be exposed to beliefs that differ so greatly.
In our home, the television can be turned on to pre-approved shows on Friday nights and Saturdays only. By Sunday afternoon, we are in the mode of getting ready for the week, so we keep it off unless there is something in particular that would be a treat for all of us to enjoy together. My 9 year old is in a class with 23 other students and he is one of 2 children that doesn’t watch television on school nights.
Many times parents want to blame our schools, churches, and neighborhoods for the way our children are being raised. It’s time that we as parents fully accept our responsibility for the fate of our children.
I made the choice to have my children and I believe that it is 100% my responsibility to train them in the way they should go. You would not take a young plant, one that doesn’t yet have strong and firm roots and leave that plant in the dead of winter without protection. Children are not “little adults”, their minds are not developed and we have to protect them, make decisions for them, and all along the way teach them the way they should go, so that when the time is right, adulthood happily awaits them.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Paying for your Adoption
1--Adoption Tax CreditA federal income tax credit up to $10,000 (per child adopted) is allowable in the tax year in which an adoption is completed for families who meet income guidelines. For detailed information, order Publication 968 from the IRS at 800-829-3676 or download it from the Internet at
http://%20www.irs.gov/
Many employers will help with costs by reimbursing adoption expenses with a cash benefit of up to several thousand dollars. If your employer does not offer this benefit, call Adoption and the Workplace at the National Adoption Center (800-862-3678) for materials to guide you in requesting adoption assistance from your employer.
Also, ask for the complete listing of employers who do offer adoption benefits
2--Subsidies for Military Families Assistance to active members of the military who are adopting a child. See your base information officer. Also, the I.N.S. standard for "income guidelines" are more relaxed for military families. (civilian familes meeting a criteria of 125% above poverty guidelines and military families - 100%).
3--A Child Waits Foundation
A resource for international adoption financing for those seeking adoption loans and adoption grants http://www.achildwaits.org/index.html
866 999-2445 (866 999-child)
FAX: 518 794-6243
1136 Barker Rd, Pittsfield, MA 01201
cnelson@achildwaits.org
4--ABBA Fund
http:http://www.abbafund.org/
PO Box 78800
Charlotte, NC 28271-7042
The ABBA Fund provides interest-free covenant loans to Christian couples who are called by God to expand their families through adoption and who need help with the "cash flow crunch" posed by adoption expenses
5--NATIONAL ADOPTION FOUNDATION (NAF)
http://www.nafadopt.org/
100 Mill Plain Road
Danbury, CJ 06811
203-791-3811
Loan programs are open for any expense an adoptive family may have before, during or after their adoption is finalized. The NAF offers the Adoption Assistance Loan through American General Financial Services. This is actually a general credit-based loan that can be used for any purpose once the funds are dispersed to you. You can apply online at http://www.nafadopt.org/loanprograms.htm
6--OXFORD ADOPTION FOUNDATION
Telephone:
239/430-6240
Fax:
239/430-4663
Address:
4309 Crayton Rd. Naples, FL 34103
E-mail:
info@oxfordadopt.com
Oxford offers no interest or low interest loans for international adoptions, based upon financial need. Oxford will generally lend up to $5,000 per child, up to a maximum of $10,000.
7--LIFE INTERNATIONAL
http://www.lifeintl.org/
PO Box 40
202 N. Ford St
Gridley, IL 61744
309-747-3556
info@lifeintl.org
Life International encourages Christian couples to adopt a child by relieving some of the financial burden of international and domestic adoption. They offer Interest-Free Loans.
Disclaimer: All of the following information is verified as accurate as of March 4, 2009. We are not responsible for any inaccurate information and posting this does not guarantee you any financial assistance into any particular program.
http://%20www.irs.gov/
Many employers will help with costs by reimbursing adoption expenses with a cash benefit of up to several thousand dollars. If your employer does not offer this benefit, call Adoption and the Workplace at the National Adoption Center (800-862-3678) for materials to guide you in requesting adoption assistance from your employer.
Also, ask for the complete listing of employers who do offer adoption benefits
2--Subsidies for Military Families Assistance to active members of the military who are adopting a child. See your base information officer. Also, the I.N.S. standard for "income guidelines" are more relaxed for military families. (civilian familes meeting a criteria of 125% above poverty guidelines and military families - 100%).
3--A Child Waits Foundation
A resource for international adoption financing for those seeking adoption loans and adoption grants http://www.achildwaits.org/index.html
866 999-2445 (866 999-child)
FAX: 518 794-6243
1136 Barker Rd, Pittsfield, MA 01201
cnelson@achildwaits.org
4--ABBA Fund
http:http://www.abbafund.org/
PO Box 78800
Charlotte, NC 28271-7042
The ABBA Fund provides interest-free covenant loans to Christian couples who are called by God to expand their families through adoption and who need help with the "cash flow crunch" posed by adoption expenses
5--NATIONAL ADOPTION FOUNDATION (NAF)
http://www.nafadopt.org/
100 Mill Plain Road
Danbury, CJ 06811
203-791-3811
Loan programs are open for any expense an adoptive family may have before, during or after their adoption is finalized. The NAF offers the Adoption Assistance Loan through American General Financial Services. This is actually a general credit-based loan that can be used for any purpose once the funds are dispersed to you. You can apply online at http://www.nafadopt.org/loanprograms.htm
6--OXFORD ADOPTION FOUNDATION
Telephone:
239/430-6240
Fax:
239/430-4663
Address:
4309 Crayton Rd. Naples, FL 34103
E-mail:
info@oxfordadopt.com
Oxford offers no interest or low interest loans for international adoptions, based upon financial need. Oxford will generally lend up to $5,000 per child, up to a maximum of $10,000.
7--LIFE INTERNATIONAL
http://www.lifeintl.org/
PO Box 40
202 N. Ford St
Gridley, IL 61744
309-747-3556
info@lifeintl.org
Life International encourages Christian couples to adopt a child by relieving some of the financial burden of international and domestic adoption. They offer Interest-Free Loans.
Disclaimer: All of the following information is verified as accurate as of March 4, 2009. We are not responsible for any inaccurate information and posting this does not guarantee you any financial assistance into any particular program.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The Adoption Authority Expands!!
News Update!
The word came today from the DCF licensing board. The Adoption Authority is officially licensed as a Child Placing Agency per Florida Administrative Code 65C-15, allowing us to provide private adoption services in the state of Florida. We are already licensed in the state of Georgia.
Our website will be changing soon and we will be accepting parent profiles for birth mothers to review.
Adoptive families, please email me at tracy@theadoptionauthority.com if you are interested in posting your profile to our website.
Birth mothers, please email me at tracy@theadoptionauthority.com if you are interested in letting us help you with an adoption plan.
The word came today from the DCF licensing board. The Adoption Authority is officially licensed as a Child Placing Agency per Florida Administrative Code 65C-15, allowing us to provide private adoption services in the state of Florida. We are already licensed in the state of Georgia.
Our website will be changing soon and we will be accepting parent profiles for birth mothers to review.
Adoptive families, please email me at tracy@theadoptionauthority.com if you are interested in posting your profile to our website.
Birth mothers, please email me at tracy@theadoptionauthority.com if you are interested in letting us help you with an adoption plan.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Balancing Work and Family
Whether you have children or are planning to in the future, there is a way to keep a healthy balance between work and family.
Like most women, the balance of your family and your career can be overwhelming. Here are 5 tips to guarantee success in every area of your life.
1—Start with routines: when you do the same thing over and over again, not only do you get really good at it, it becomes second nature. You can have several sets of routines for your entire day. It is helpful to write down everything you do, or need to do, to get to bed at a decent hour, to get out of the house in the morning without rushing, to get dinner on the table quickly and easily. I suggest writing out lists of what needs to be done at each section of your day. As we get older and more forgetful, it is helpful to have a reminder of what needs to be done. When you are rushing around, it is easy to forget something important.
2—Learn to say “NO”—we hear this all the time, but do we practice it? As women, we are people pleasers and we don’t like to upset others or feel like we have let someone down. Instead, we need to feel that way about ourselves. Think about how upset you would be if you add one more thing to “to do” list. Say no for your children as well—don’t let them be over involved in activities.
3—Be sure to schedule appointments to take care of yourself, whatever that might be. Whether it’s getting your annual physical, going to the dentist, or meeting your girlfriend for a day at the spa, you have to take care of yourself first in order to properly take care of the other people in your life. This may require creative networking on your part, if you have small children. Offer to swap babysitting services with another mom on your block.
4—Exercise has both physical and mental benefits. Even 15 minutes of exercise will cause the brain to release chemicals which will improve your mood and give you more energy throughout the day. The exercise doesn’t have to be strenuous; taking a walk in your neighborhood is a great idea. You may have to put the baby in the stroller or your older child on his/her bicycle. You won’t have to look very hard to find an excuse not to exercise.
5—Master Calendar to keep up with everyone’s schedule and appointments: How many times have you missed an event because you forgot or over committed you or your family? A master calendar will solve this problem. As soon as you get an invitation, announcement, or other event notice, put it on the calendar right away, and then throw it away! Record everything you need onto the calendar and throwing away the rest will help to eliminate clutter. Don’t stress over what type of calendar to use, just do what works best for you. What you use isn’t as important as just using it!
Balancing career and motherhood can be challenging. By implementing these strategies, you will be ahead of the game and enjoying everything that your life as to offer.
Like most women, the balance of your family and your career can be overwhelming. Here are 5 tips to guarantee success in every area of your life.
1—Start with routines: when you do the same thing over and over again, not only do you get really good at it, it becomes second nature. You can have several sets of routines for your entire day. It is helpful to write down everything you do, or need to do, to get to bed at a decent hour, to get out of the house in the morning without rushing, to get dinner on the table quickly and easily. I suggest writing out lists of what needs to be done at each section of your day. As we get older and more forgetful, it is helpful to have a reminder of what needs to be done. When you are rushing around, it is easy to forget something important.
2—Learn to say “NO”—we hear this all the time, but do we practice it? As women, we are people pleasers and we don’t like to upset others or feel like we have let someone down. Instead, we need to feel that way about ourselves. Think about how upset you would be if you add one more thing to “to do” list. Say no for your children as well—don’t let them be over involved in activities.
3—Be sure to schedule appointments to take care of yourself, whatever that might be. Whether it’s getting your annual physical, going to the dentist, or meeting your girlfriend for a day at the spa, you have to take care of yourself first in order to properly take care of the other people in your life. This may require creative networking on your part, if you have small children. Offer to swap babysitting services with another mom on your block.
4—Exercise has both physical and mental benefits. Even 15 minutes of exercise will cause the brain to release chemicals which will improve your mood and give you more energy throughout the day. The exercise doesn’t have to be strenuous; taking a walk in your neighborhood is a great idea. You may have to put the baby in the stroller or your older child on his/her bicycle. You won’t have to look very hard to find an excuse not to exercise.
5—Master Calendar to keep up with everyone’s schedule and appointments: How many times have you missed an event because you forgot or over committed you or your family? A master calendar will solve this problem. As soon as you get an invitation, announcement, or other event notice, put it on the calendar right away, and then throw it away! Record everything you need onto the calendar and throwing away the rest will help to eliminate clutter. Don’t stress over what type of calendar to use, just do what works best for you. What you use isn’t as important as just using it!
Balancing career and motherhood can be challenging. By implementing these strategies, you will be ahead of the game and enjoying everything that your life as to offer.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Where do you start?
Just recently I attended a professional conference in Orlando, and I met a fellow social worker who shared with me about some of her friends who are just starting to gather information regarding adoption. Because she is a social worker, of course her friends went to her for information. They are already so overwhelmed at all of the information available regarding adoption....international vs domestic, private vs state, infants vs older children. My new social worker friend shared with me how frustrated (already) her friends are in the process. My heart goes out to this family, as I know that there are countless other families in the same situation! The information is very overwhelming, it is time consuming to wade through all of the legalities.
My suggestion is to start talking with everyone you know and reading all that you can and here's the important part--make notes as you go along. Meet with private agencies, adoption attorneys, consultants, and anyone else that can assist you with knowledge.
There are some great conferences held throughout the year in most states, attend some of those. Another great tip is to start early! Home studies take time and getting matched with a birth family takes time, and it can all add up to alot of time gone by!! It always takes longer than you expect it to.
I highly recommend getting started as soon as possible. The sooner you start, the sooner you will reach your ultimate goal of expanding your family through adoption.
My suggestion is to start talking with everyone you know and reading all that you can and here's the important part--make notes as you go along. Meet with private agencies, adoption attorneys, consultants, and anyone else that can assist you with knowledge.
There are some great conferences held throughout the year in most states, attend some of those. Another great tip is to start early! Home studies take time and getting matched with a birth family takes time, and it can all add up to alot of time gone by!! It always takes longer than you expect it to.
I highly recommend getting started as soon as possible. The sooner you start, the sooner you will reach your ultimate goal of expanding your family through adoption.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Adoption Home Study, Part II
Part I of this article was published on August 27, 2008. Hope you enjoy Part II:
Preparing for the home study visit(s): It can be absolutely overwhelming to think of a stranger coming into your home to “analyze” you and determine your worthiness of having a child. After all, people have babies all the time that are much less qualified to raise them. Early on, most families will become consumed with cleaning their home from top to bottom. While there is nothing wrong with having a super clean home, the social worker isn’t coming in with white gloves and looking under the beds for dust bunnies.
The home study is to assess you and your lifestyle in the areas of stability and financial solidity to ensure that a child placed in your home will be well cared for. You don’t have to be considerably wealthy in order to adopt a child, but you do have to show a pattern of being financially responsible with your income and your monthly debts. Families that have a large amount of debt may be encouraged to work towards reducing their debt in order to adopt. (This clinician has never denied a family due to debt, or known of families being denied due to large amounts of debt). It is not a freeze frame snapshot of your current situation of any area that is being reviewed; but rather a panoramic examination of many areas. Tax returns for the previous 3-5 years are provided to the home study provider, as well, to demonstrate a pattern of income.
It’s important to already have an idea of the age child you are interested in adopting. Babies or young children will have different needs than an older child. You may have to consider having additional locks on your exterior doors, especially if you have a pool or lake outside the back door. Steps may need a safety gate to prevent falls and to keep young toddlers out of dangerous areas. Outlets will need to be covered with protectors. It’s also good practice to have smoke detectors in each bedroom and in the main areas of y our home. A fire extinguisher is essential, kept in the kitchen or garage. Guns have to be locked away, and the ammunition kept in a separate location, also locked.
It is not necessary to have all of these things in place, especially if you are months away from being matched or placed with a child. It is necessary to have a good understanding of the development of the child you are interested in, in order to know what safety devices are crucial for you to have in place.
In 2006, The Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act was passed in order to establish a national registry of substantiated cases of child abuse and neglect. In all states, there is a process established to have this registry consulted in order to determine if you have been involved with that state’s Department of Children and Family Services. The registry will have case-specific identifying information that is limited to the name of the perpetrator and the nature of the substantiated case(s) of child abuse and neglect.
In addition, you will need to consider who you would name as guardian of your minor child in the event of your death. You will need to provide the guardian’s name, contact information, and an explanation of why you chose that individual or couple. It is recommended that you go ahead and name these people in your will, if you have one. I was recently asked by a birth mother if she would get the child back if something were to happen to the adoptive parents. The answer is no. The adoptive parents will make this decision.
Most states require criminal background clearances on three levels, local, state, and federal. Arrests may show up on one, two or all three of these clearances. This doesn’t mean that if you’ve ever been arrested, you can’t be considered as a parent. The cause of the arrest is considered, as well as the length of time since the arrest. There is a considerable difference in writing bad checks ten years ago and assaulting your significant other just last year. While some states offer specific guidelines about what offenses will prevent you from adopting, a lot of states leave that decision up to the individual social worker. It is best to mention any questionable arrests in advance and try to get a sense of how the social worker will respond.
Other sections of the home study will include accessing the stability of the marriage, discipline plan, and how to nurture and celebrate the child’s culture if different from yours. Some agencies and/or countries require adoptive parents to take continuing education courses. If adopting from the foster care system, you may have to take a 20 hours class in advance of adopting. There are obviously many variables, depending on the state you live in, the country in which you want to adopt, and whether you are adopting from a private agency or foster care system.
Though the home study may seem overwhelming, if you can do your homework and be prepared, the process will go smoothly. The social worker or home study provider should be viewed as an ally. His/her job is to help prepare you for parenthood, which is the ultimate goal.
Preparing for the home study visit(s): It can be absolutely overwhelming to think of a stranger coming into your home to “analyze” you and determine your worthiness of having a child. After all, people have babies all the time that are much less qualified to raise them. Early on, most families will become consumed with cleaning their home from top to bottom. While there is nothing wrong with having a super clean home, the social worker isn’t coming in with white gloves and looking under the beds for dust bunnies.
The home study is to assess you and your lifestyle in the areas of stability and financial solidity to ensure that a child placed in your home will be well cared for. You don’t have to be considerably wealthy in order to adopt a child, but you do have to show a pattern of being financially responsible with your income and your monthly debts. Families that have a large amount of debt may be encouraged to work towards reducing their debt in order to adopt. (This clinician has never denied a family due to debt, or known of families being denied due to large amounts of debt). It is not a freeze frame snapshot of your current situation of any area that is being reviewed; but rather a panoramic examination of many areas. Tax returns for the previous 3-5 years are provided to the home study provider, as well, to demonstrate a pattern of income.
It’s important to already have an idea of the age child you are interested in adopting. Babies or young children will have different needs than an older child. You may have to consider having additional locks on your exterior doors, especially if you have a pool or lake outside the back door. Steps may need a safety gate to prevent falls and to keep young toddlers out of dangerous areas. Outlets will need to be covered with protectors. It’s also good practice to have smoke detectors in each bedroom and in the main areas of y our home. A fire extinguisher is essential, kept in the kitchen or garage. Guns have to be locked away, and the ammunition kept in a separate location, also locked.
It is not necessary to have all of these things in place, especially if you are months away from being matched or placed with a child. It is necessary to have a good understanding of the development of the child you are interested in, in order to know what safety devices are crucial for you to have in place.
In 2006, The Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act was passed in order to establish a national registry of substantiated cases of child abuse and neglect. In all states, there is a process established to have this registry consulted in order to determine if you have been involved with that state’s Department of Children and Family Services. The registry will have case-specific identifying information that is limited to the name of the perpetrator and the nature of the substantiated case(s) of child abuse and neglect.
In addition, you will need to consider who you would name as guardian of your minor child in the event of your death. You will need to provide the guardian’s name, contact information, and an explanation of why you chose that individual or couple. It is recommended that you go ahead and name these people in your will, if you have one. I was recently asked by a birth mother if she would get the child back if something were to happen to the adoptive parents. The answer is no. The adoptive parents will make this decision.
Most states require criminal background clearances on three levels, local, state, and federal. Arrests may show up on one, two or all three of these clearances. This doesn’t mean that if you’ve ever been arrested, you can’t be considered as a parent. The cause of the arrest is considered, as well as the length of time since the arrest. There is a considerable difference in writing bad checks ten years ago and assaulting your significant other just last year. While some states offer specific guidelines about what offenses will prevent you from adopting, a lot of states leave that decision up to the individual social worker. It is best to mention any questionable arrests in advance and try to get a sense of how the social worker will respond.
Other sections of the home study will include accessing the stability of the marriage, discipline plan, and how to nurture and celebrate the child’s culture if different from yours. Some agencies and/or countries require adoptive parents to take continuing education courses. If adopting from the foster care system, you may have to take a 20 hours class in advance of adopting. There are obviously many variables, depending on the state you live in, the country in which you want to adopt, and whether you are adopting from a private agency or foster care system.
Though the home study may seem overwhelming, if you can do your homework and be prepared, the process will go smoothly. The social worker or home study provider should be viewed as an ally. His/her job is to help prepare you for parenthood, which is the ultimate goal.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Morning Routines
As school starts back all across the country, it is important to establish routines for your child, whether they are adopted or biological children! It's imperative to begin the year off in a positive way, being prepared for the school day. The morning routine actually starts the night before. Feel free to add your comments.
The night before, pack the book bag with all needed items for the next day, such as homework, supplies, permission slips, etc.
Check to make sure all homework is completed. Go over as needed. (Has anyone else noticed that homework is mounting and getting harder each year??)
Prepare lunch or give lunch money the night before.
Have your child pick out his/her clothes for the next day. As they are getting out their jammies, have them go ahead and pick out something special to wear to school.
Establish a regular bedtime--Children need more sleep than adults, and the lack of sleep will show in their behavior and school performance.
Have a regular wake up time each morning.
Establish a morning routine. Lots of parents get creative and develop charts, with stickers or smiley faces. Let your child check off each task, such as getting dressed, brushing teeth, having breakfast, etc.
These are just a few ideas to get you started. It's especially important for children who have been adopted to have routines and structure. Knowing what to expect will help your child adjust to his/her new environment.
The night before, pack the book bag with all needed items for the next day, such as homework, supplies, permission slips, etc.
Check to make sure all homework is completed. Go over as needed. (Has anyone else noticed that homework is mounting and getting harder each year??)
Prepare lunch or give lunch money the night before.
Have your child pick out his/her clothes for the next day. As they are getting out their jammies, have them go ahead and pick out something special to wear to school.
Establish a regular bedtime--Children need more sleep than adults, and the lack of sleep will show in their behavior and school performance.
Have a regular wake up time each morning.
Establish a morning routine. Lots of parents get creative and develop charts, with stickers or smiley faces. Let your child check off each task, such as getting dressed, brushing teeth, having breakfast, etc.
These are just a few ideas to get you started. It's especially important for children who have been adopted to have routines and structure. Knowing what to expect will help your child adjust to his/her new environment.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Why adopt an older child?
As an adult, think about your favorite holiday and how you celebrate your happiest occasions. I bet that family comes to mind. How often do we get together with extended family members for Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas morning exchange and birthday celebrations. Did you bring your significant other home to "meet the family"? Did you/Do you get daily or weekly phone calls from Mom and Dad checking in on you?
Imagine having no one to call you on your birthday, imagine having no family to make plans with for the holidays, and worst of all, imagine having no grandparents to take your first child to. Children who do not get adopted face all of these issues. Whether a child is in an International orphanage or an American foster home, if a child "ages out" and doesn't become a part of a forever family, he/she has no one to call family, no one to take their first real love home to meet, and no one to gather with for the holidays. Can you imagine your life without all of the weird and sometimes dysfunctional people that you call family?
An older child doesn't mean a child that is passed the infant stage and learning to talk. Older children are often times elementary school age and many times, already into teenage status. Take a look at your state's waiting children. Chances are high that you will find more than one child that is nearing high school graduation, still waiting and hoping that he/she will be chosen by a family.
Consider an older child for adopting! Check out the link on Adoptive Families: http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1358#1
Imagine having no one to call you on your birthday, imagine having no family to make plans with for the holidays, and worst of all, imagine having no grandparents to take your first child to. Children who do not get adopted face all of these issues. Whether a child is in an International orphanage or an American foster home, if a child "ages out" and doesn't become a part of a forever family, he/she has no one to call family, no one to take their first real love home to meet, and no one to gather with for the holidays. Can you imagine your life without all of the weird and sometimes dysfunctional people that you call family?
An older child doesn't mean a child that is passed the infant stage and learning to talk. Older children are often times elementary school age and many times, already into teenage status. Take a look at your state's waiting children. Chances are high that you will find more than one child that is nearing high school graduation, still waiting and hoping that he/she will be chosen by a family.
Consider an older child for adopting! Check out the link on Adoptive Families: http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1358#1
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Georgia Adoption Registry
Georgia's Adoption Reunion Registry was created as a result of a state law effective on July 1, 1990. The purpose of the Registry is to offer services to birth parents, adopted persons, adoptive parents and siblings who are affected by adoptions finalized in Georgia.
For more information or to register, contact:
Georgia Adoption Reunion Registry
Families First/ Office of Adoptions
2 Peachtree St N.W. Suite 8-407
Atlanta, GA 30303-3143
(404) 657-3555
1-888-328-0055
For more information or to register, contact:
Georgia Adoption Reunion Registry
Families First/ Office of Adoptions
2 Peachtree St N.W. Suite 8-407
Atlanta, GA 30303-3143
(404) 657-3555
1-888-328-0055
Monday, September 1, 2008
Positive Adoption Language
Many times, people are uninformed, insensitive, or even just rude when commenting on "real" families. Words do hurt and it's important to know and educate others about the appropriate words and phrases to use (and not to use) when discussing adoption.
Avoid using: "real" or "natural" when referring to mother, father, or sibling, because: this implies that the adoptive relationships are artificial, tentative, or not real. Use Instead: "Birth" or "biological mother, father, or sibling"
Avoid using: "own child", because this suggests that the adoptive relationships are less important than biological relationships. Use instead: "birth child", "child by birth"
Avoid using: "taken away", "given up", because this implies that children are stolen or forgotten, rather than adopted legally and with forethought. Use instead: "Termination of parental rights".
Avoid using: "Surrendered", "relinquished", "gave away", "put up", because this is a poor description of a birth parent's decision making process and choice. Instead use "chose adoption", "created an adoption plan"
Avoid using: "to keep", as this indicates that children are possessions. Use instead: "To parent"
Avoid using: "adoptive child", or "adoptive parent", as no qualifiers are needed. Use instead: son, daughter, mom, dad, grandparent
Avoid using: "foreign adoption", has despite all advances, this still has a negative connotation. Use instead: "International adoption".
Avoid using: "is adopted" because it is a one-time event. Use instead: "Was adopted"
Adapted from information obtained by NACAC
Avoid using: "real" or "natural" when referring to mother, father, or sibling, because: this implies that the adoptive relationships are artificial, tentative, or not real. Use Instead: "Birth" or "biological mother, father, or sibling"
Avoid using: "own child", because this suggests that the adoptive relationships are less important than biological relationships. Use instead: "birth child", "child by birth"
Avoid using: "taken away", "given up", because this implies that children are stolen or forgotten, rather than adopted legally and with forethought. Use instead: "Termination of parental rights".
Avoid using: "Surrendered", "relinquished", "gave away", "put up", because this is a poor description of a birth parent's decision making process and choice. Instead use "chose adoption", "created an adoption plan"
Avoid using: "to keep", as this indicates that children are possessions. Use instead: "To parent"
Avoid using: "adoptive child", or "adoptive parent", as no qualifiers are needed. Use instead: son, daughter, mom, dad, grandparent
Avoid using: "foreign adoption", has despite all advances, this still has a negative connotation. Use instead: "International adoption".
Avoid using: "is adopted" because it is a one-time event. Use instead: "Was adopted"
Adapted from information obtained by NACAC
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Adoption Ceremony
Adoption Ceremonies....What is it and Why have one?
Rituals are an important part of any life cycle event. They validate our feelings and allow the rite of passage into a new part of our lives. Some of the occasions in which we have rituals are at birthdays, funerals, weddings, births, and for religious celebrations. Having an adoption ceremony is no different than having a ritual for any other occasion. The ceremony helps to validate our feelings and provide a sense of connectedness.
An adoption ceremony is a simple ceremony to bring together the parents and child to symbolize the joining of the new family. It is essentially a covenant and all parties stand in front of their witnesses and acknowledge the new bond between parent and child and the lifelong commitment the parents are making. Each parent takes vows to the child and the child accepts their commitments.
Adoption ceremonies are not the finalization of the adoption. (That happens in court.) The adoption ceremony is an agreement initiated by the adoptive parents and responded to by the child. The ceremony should take place early on in the placement, to symbolize family unity while the adoption is in the process of being finalized. It serves as an insurance policy to the child that Mom and Dad aren’t going to change their minds and return the child. This is especially important if you are adopting an older child.
Rituals are an important part of any life cycle event. They validate our feelings and allow the rite of passage into a new part of our lives. Some of the occasions in which we have rituals are at birthdays, funerals, weddings, births, and for religious celebrations. Having an adoption ceremony is no different than having a ritual for any other occasion. The ceremony helps to validate our feelings and provide a sense of connectedness.
An adoption ceremony is a simple ceremony to bring together the parents and child to symbolize the joining of the new family. It is essentially a covenant and all parties stand in front of their witnesses and acknowledge the new bond between parent and child and the lifelong commitment the parents are making. Each parent takes vows to the child and the child accepts their commitments.
Adoption ceremonies are not the finalization of the adoption. (That happens in court.) The adoption ceremony is an agreement initiated by the adoptive parents and responded to by the child. The ceremony should take place early on in the placement, to symbolize family unity while the adoption is in the process of being finalized. It serves as an insurance policy to the child that Mom and Dad aren’t going to change their minds and return the child. This is especially important if you are adopting an older child.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Laying a Foundation for Adopted Children
It's imperative for children to always feel like they have a solid foundation in their home, especially for a child who has been adopted. Children should never be threatened about their place or security in the family home whether it be for behavior or any other reason. If a child hears something like "If you don't act right, I'm going to send you to foster care, or back where you came from, this will only undermine his security in his foundation. An adopted child may feel like he has already lost one family and the fear of losing another family becomes a real possibility. A child that is afraid he will lose his family is going to be unable to correct any negative behaviors.
Even a child adopted as an infant or young toddler can and probably will experience the loss of a birth family he never knew. As his "forever family" it's essential to provide a solid ground, unconditional love, and a strong sense of security.
Even a child adopted as an infant or young toddler can and probably will experience the loss of a birth family he never knew. As his "forever family" it's essential to provide a solid ground, unconditional love, and a strong sense of security.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Adoption Home Studies in Georgia and Florida
Next to bringing home your new child, the home study should be the most exciting part of the adoption process. While it can be time consuming and a lengthy process, it is the stepping stone of having you recommended for the match and/or placement of a child. Different states have varying requirements, but all home studies are similar in nature. It is a representation of you and your family life to assess your suitability of providing a stable environment to a child. There is no need to fear this process. Armed with accurate information, prospective parents can face the home study experience with the confidence and excitement that should accompany the prospect of welcoming a child into their family.
(Adoption laws and guidelines vary from state to state. This clinician has experience completing home studies in Georgia and Florida.)
In most states, a home study can only be completed by a licensed adoption agency. It is very important to make sure that while the social worker completing the study may be licensed, if he/she is not working directly with a licensed agency, your home study may have to be redone, starting the process over at step 1. If given an option, you should carefully select the social worker. If your placing agency requires that they complete the home study, you are limited to their availability of social workers. If you are tasked with locating an independent home study provider yourself, there is more flexibility in whom you choose and you can shop around for one, just like you would a real estate agency, a bank, a car, hair dresser, etc.
There are many things to consider when choosing a home study provider. It’s important to feel comfortable with your decision and the best way to do that is to do your homework. When choosing an agency, one of the first things to consider is cost. Home studies can vary in price just like anything else. There are many factors that go into determining your home study cost, such as the time frame it is needed, your location, and the agency you have chosen. Generally speaking, the cost can range from $1000 on up. When time is an issue, ask if they can provide an expedited home study, and know that it will probably cost more.
Another important question to ask is how long it will take to complete the study. Because part of the home study involves background clearances, you have to take into account the amount of time it will take for those government agencies to process your request. You will probably need local, state, and federal entities to report on any criminal activity. If you have lived in your current state less than six years, you may need multiple states to report back to the home study provider. The home study can take anywhere from 4 weeks to 6 months. Oftentimes, choosing a provider that is limited to home studies can speed up the process. Since their focus is narrowed, they are often able to devote more time to completing your study.
Another important consideration is how many visits are included in the process? The number of visits required will vary by state and if you are adopting internationally, you will have to follow those guidelines as well. If multiple visits are required, usually one is completed in the home, and the others can be done at the social worker’s office or an agreed upon location. It is important to know if the home study price includes mileage or travel time for the worker. If not, you may be billed separately for that cost. You may also be interviewed apart from your spouse, and if you already have children, they will be interviewed as well.
To be continued......
(Adoption laws and guidelines vary from state to state. This clinician has experience completing home studies in Georgia and Florida.)
In most states, a home study can only be completed by a licensed adoption agency. It is very important to make sure that while the social worker completing the study may be licensed, if he/she is not working directly with a licensed agency, your home study may have to be redone, starting the process over at step 1. If given an option, you should carefully select the social worker. If your placing agency requires that they complete the home study, you are limited to their availability of social workers. If you are tasked with locating an independent home study provider yourself, there is more flexibility in whom you choose and you can shop around for one, just like you would a real estate agency, a bank, a car, hair dresser, etc.
There are many things to consider when choosing a home study provider. It’s important to feel comfortable with your decision and the best way to do that is to do your homework. When choosing an agency, one of the first things to consider is cost. Home studies can vary in price just like anything else. There are many factors that go into determining your home study cost, such as the time frame it is needed, your location, and the agency you have chosen. Generally speaking, the cost can range from $1000 on up. When time is an issue, ask if they can provide an expedited home study, and know that it will probably cost more.
Another important question to ask is how long it will take to complete the study. Because part of the home study involves background clearances, you have to take into account the amount of time it will take for those government agencies to process your request. You will probably need local, state, and federal entities to report on any criminal activity. If you have lived in your current state less than six years, you may need multiple states to report back to the home study provider. The home study can take anywhere from 4 weeks to 6 months. Oftentimes, choosing a provider that is limited to home studies can speed up the process. Since their focus is narrowed, they are often able to devote more time to completing your study.
Another important consideration is how many visits are included in the process? The number of visits required will vary by state and if you are adopting internationally, you will have to follow those guidelines as well. If multiple visits are required, usually one is completed in the home, and the others can be done at the social worker’s office or an agreed upon location. It is important to know if the home study price includes mileage or travel time for the worker. If not, you may be billed separately for that cost. You may also be interviewed apart from your spouse, and if you already have children, they will be interviewed as well.
To be continued......
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